Broken Mind Broken Life

Ever see the movie The Aviator? The movie about the life of Howard Hughes. There was a sceene in the movie that that describes offers a small look into what a deep depression was to me. The sceene is when Howard isolates himself into one room and never leaves. The garbagepiled up within the room. In my deepest depression this is me. Only it is just the surface you see in the movie. The episode goes much deeper than you can imagine. In my case I would completely isolate from any outside contact. No phone, no mail, wouldn’t answer the door. I would curl up into a little ball on my sofa only leaving from that sport with absolutly nessecary. I would listen to movies yet rarely watch them. My thoughts would race centering only on the most negitive aspects of my life.  As the months would wear on my thoughts would turn to death. The sorrow and greef were so consuming that you felt like death would be a release. Sometimes the sorrow would be so bad you could feel it in your body. Emptyness, hopelessness, grief, sorrow, anger, I can’t think of enough words to describe it. You would feel so detached from reality even sometimes feeling like out of body. For me that was when it was the most dangerous because I would look to make my death hasten. Even thoughts of suicide started to fill your brain. Slow and passing at first but, finally so strong you would begin to formulate a plan to make it happen. You reach out to others but, many times they have no idea of how to handle it. Many times their reactions would makes your greif worse and send you spiraling even further into the dark place. If your lucky you will find help somewhere. Those not so lucky… Well, 25% of people with bipolar will attempt suicide atleast once in their lives. 15% or 150 out of 1000 peole with Bipolar will succeed at the attempt. Bipolar is a life threating desease.

One of the biggest steps to recovery is understanding there are consequences to  your desease. When a person with bipolar has an episode the may do things to alienate people around them. When this happens the person with bipolar may have no idea they are even doing it. The bipolar sufferer in most cases has no control over how they act but, that doesn’t mean there aren’t consequences. Understanding this is a key to recovery for several reasons. The most important for me is the reduction in self hate. Understanding the way my family treats me is not my fault but, a consequence of my desease. By the same token my families reaction to my episodes is a normal reaction and one that should not be held against them. It is all very sad no doubt but, it is also the way the world around you works.

Here is another listing of famous people I pulled off youtube. You are not alone!

You are not alone! In fact your in very good company. Here is a listing of our club members compiled by  www.mental-health-today.com.  Check their site out for the full listing. As you can see there is no shortage of members.

Actors & Actresses

Ned Beatty
Jim Carey
Rosemary Clooney, singer
Robert Downey Jr.
Patty Duke
Carrie Fisher
Ben Stiller, actor, director, writer
Lili Taylor
Tracy Ullman
Jean-Claude Van Damme
Robin Williams
Jonathon Winters, comedian

Artists

Ludwig Von Beethoven
Tim Burton, artist, director
Francis Ford Coppola, director
Vincent Van Gogh, painter

Entrepreneurs

Ted Turner, media giant

Miscellaneous

Buzz Aldrin, astronaut
Phil Graham, owner of Washington Post

Musicians

Ludwig van Beethoven, composer
Rosemary Clooney, singer
Peter Gabriel
Jimi Hendrix
Jack Irons
Otto Klemperer, musician, conductor
Phil Ochs, musician, political activist, poet
John Ogden, composer, musician
Axl Rose
Phil Spector, musician and producer
Sting, Gordon Sumner, musician, composer

Political

Robert Boorstin, special assistant to President Clinton
L. Brent Bozell, political scientist, attorney, writer
Bob Bullock, ex secretary of state, state comptroller and lieutenant governer
Winston Churchill
Kitty Dukasis, former First Lady of Massachusetts
Thomas Eagleton, lawyer, former U.S. Senator
Lynne Rivers, U.S. Congress
Theodore Roosevelt, President of the United States

Scientists

Karl Paul Link, chemist
Dimitri Mihalas

Sports

Shelley Beattie, bodybuilding, sailing
John Daly, golf
Muffin Spencer-Devlin, pro golf
Ilie Nastase, tennis
Jimmy Piersail, baseball player, Boston Red Sox, sports announcer
Barret Robbins, football
Wyatt Sexton, football
Alonzo Spellman, football
Darryl Strawberry, baseball
Dimitrius Underwood, football
Luther Wright, basketball
Bert Yancey, athlete

TV & Radio

Dick Cavett
Jay Marvin, radio, writer
Jane Pauley

Writers

Louis Althusser, philosopher, writer
Honors de Balzac
Art Buchwald, writer, humorist
Neal Cassady
Patricia Cornwell
Margot  Early
Kaye Gibbons
Johann Goethe
Graham Greene
Abbie Hoffman, writer, political activist
Kay Redfield Jamison, writer, psychologist
Peter Nolan Lawrence
Frances Lear, writer, editor, women’s rights activist
Rika Lesser, writer, translator
Kate Millet
Robert Munsch
Margo Orum
Edgar Allen Poe
Theodore Roethke
Lori Schiller, writer, educator
Frances Sherwood
Scott Simmie, writer, journalist
August Strindberg
Mark Twain
Joseph Vasquez, writer, movie director
Mark Vonnegut, doctor, writer
Sol Wachtler, writer, judge
Mary Jane Ward
Virginia Woolf

King of the neighborhood or so I felt anyway. I had just completed the march of dimes walk-a-thon going 8 out of 20 miles. Collecting for the pledges was fun and that’s where the adventure began. It did not take me long to realize that most people expected to pay the full 20 miles.  You get where this is going I am sure. I had triggered what I believe to be my first hypo-manic episode. I had more money than I new what to do with. I gave it away to friends, bought toys many of which I gave away. Oh yes, and bought one dollar Baskin Robins quarts every day.

My scheme worked well until I ran out of donors. I thought to myself I still have receipts. Off I went to get more donors and that is just what I did.  Was able to keep my new friends happy for about two weeks until I ran out of reciepts and tried to continue the con with even a piece of paper. Eventually I was caught and needless to say I was in big trouble.

Why do I think this was my first bipolar episode? Remembering how intense the feeling I had at the time. Feeling like I could do anything and get away with it all. The very poor judgment at the time. All symptoms of Bipolar. I am no doctor but, it sure seems like something was driving me.

Hope it helps,

Kelly

Hi, my name is Kelly and I have bipolar II. I’ve  had symptoms of bipolar as young as eight years old. Today I am 44 and the last 10 years have been devastating to me and my dreams. Creative and driven for part of my life only to crash into the dark place until my next up swing.  This is bipolar to me. Bipolar effects everyone differently. For me the depressions are the worst. Hard to explain it to someone without them going through it. However, maybe I can shed some light.

Depression for someone with bipolar is much worse than a normal depression. Depression will effect everyone differently. For me depression is this dark cold place. I actually lock up, remaining in the same room for months at a time. I tend to not  answer my phone, door, mail, and avoid most human contact. And the sadness? It’s like grieving for a loved one lost. Your family tends to shy away from you because you have a “mental disorder”.  Thus, leaving you with plenty of lost love ones to grieve for. Finally the pain is so unbearable all you can think of is wanting your own death. It is one one the most horrible experiences you can have in life.

Hope it helps.
Kelly