Broken Mind Broken Life

Ever see the movie The Aviator? The movie about the life of Howard Hughes. There was a sceene in the movie that that describes offers a small look into what a deep depression was to me. The sceene is when Howard isolates himself into one room and never leaves. The garbagepiled up within the room. In my deepest depression this is me. Only it is just the surface you see in the movie. The episode goes much deeper than you can imagine. In my case I would completely isolate from any outside contact. No phone, no mail, wouldn’t answer the door. I would curl up into a little ball on my sofa only leaving from that sport with absolutly nessecary. I would listen to movies yet rarely watch them. My thoughts would race centering only on the most negitive aspects of my life.  As the months would wear on my thoughts would turn to death. The sorrow and greef were so consuming that you felt like death would be a release. Sometimes the sorrow would be so bad you could feel it in your body. Emptyness, hopelessness, grief, sorrow, anger, I can’t think of enough words to describe it. You would feel so detached from reality even sometimes feeling like out of body. For me that was when it was the most dangerous because I would look to make my death hasten. Even thoughts of suicide started to fill your brain. Slow and passing at first but, finally so strong you would begin to formulate a plan to make it happen. You reach out to others but, many times they have no idea of how to handle it. Many times their reactions would makes your greif worse and send you spiraling even further into the dark place. If your lucky you will find help somewhere. Those not so lucky… Well, 25% of people with bipolar will attempt suicide atleast once in their lives. 15% or 150 out of 1000 peole with Bipolar will succeed at the attempt. Bipolar is a life threating desease.